Our children come through us but not from us - KGibran

2005-03-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

It's terribly brutal, I know.

To blog only once in a while.

And even then, today is only a short note to say, among other things, that I am not blogging very often.

Today, is my birthday.

I am 33 years old today.

Last year, I had a girlfriend who bought me a lovely necklace with my birthstone in a heart shape. There were balloons on the foot of the bed when I awoke, and we had a lovely evening that included much nekkid loving.

This year, same girlfriend, threw me a surprise birthday party (last Sat. night to accomodate the schedule)... I was teary when I saw my friends gathered around for my birthday and two of them had even seen me earlier in the day and managed to throw me off the scent so to speak. I got happy drunk, though I mixed my liquors and ended up sick later. Still, it was worth it.

Today, is my birthday.

I am the luckiest and happiest woman in the world.

2005-01-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
I acquired a mortgage on a home .... in orange county, california .... SCARY!!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any, and I think that trend will continue

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
An old friend gave birth to a girl, and my real estate agent gave birth to a girl

4. Did anyone close to you die? Personally?
Someone close me, though not personally, the painter of my first two original pieces of art I bought lost his battle with cancer. Fucking cancer.

5. What countries did you visit?
Down Under, aka OZ, aka ... Australia. And I don't count the 1 hour stop in the New Zealand airport, that's not a proper visit.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? I hate to say it, but more cash would be good, not that I lacked it or anything. Otherwise, all is well in the materials department.

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
26, December - and I was in Australia when it happened.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finishing the 3rd year of law school and the 1st semester of 4th year -- only one semester to go!!!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not passing the MPRE ... twice. Oh well, 3rd time's the charm right??

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a frightful thrashing of my left leg sliding into 3rd base. It's left an even more frightful scar that I'm trying to rid myself of. No major illnesses in 2004 ... whooo hooo!!!

11. What was the best thing you bought? The trip to Australia

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mother went back and forth, but I'll leave her on the celebratory side. She got some sense sort of knocked into her, though it was probably more of a slow infestation. When more of it arrives, she'll be able to meet the love of my life - VanillaBean.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Between Karl Rove and my dad, I think it's a tie. The former is a public figure whose behavior.. well... lets forget about him. My dad, on the other hand, revealed himself to be the saddest, most pathetic shell of a human being I've encountered in my entire 32 year life. Shell doesn't even describe it because at least a shell has some sort of fortitude and structure... some backbone and resilience to withstand varying forces. Dad? I've seen papier mache make better decisions during a windstorm.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I ask myself that every day.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My Australia trip ... and VanillaBean finally moving in

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Clocks - by Apple's dad ... erm.. I mean, Coldplay

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Creative writing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about the future

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it alone, on the beach in Australia.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
1 year anniversary of falling in love

23. How many one-night stands?
It was more than one night -- See #22

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Absolutely nothing captured me this year because I just didn't have the TV on enough

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
The Lovely Bones

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My own interest in playing the piano again

28. What did you want and get?
My third year successfully completed

29. What did you want and not get?
Passing the MPRE

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Too many to name really, that's why no TV
"Maria Full of Grace"
"Motorcycle Diaries"
"Bad Education" ... yeah, there's a spanish language theme here...
"Osama"
Ok, I admit, I liked "13 going on 30", was that in 2004? and I liked "Mean Girls"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32 years old - VanillaBean and I had a quiet time together because it wasn't a convenient date for either of us.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Passing the MPRE would've made this year a little less pressured, thus more satisfying.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
the "i'll keep things baggy until I lose the weight and get into my skinny clothes again"

34. What kept you sane?
Friends, Vanilla Bean, and the occasional chocolate turtle.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The movie was terrible, but I really enjoyed Eric Bana in TROY ... I guess I fancied a noble heroic fictional character this year, seeing as how our real life leaders are less than noble and hardly heroic.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Presidential election

37. Who did you miss?
Candyboy - but I saw him for one glorious NYC walking day.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Two coworkers, I've nicknamed them Queen of All that She Surveys (aka, QASS) and the Pinko Liberal Oaf (PLO).

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Taking a bit of the plunge with new things means there will be successes and failures - neither of which are permanent

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine, And tomorrow we might wake on the other side. " That skanky girl, whom I love anyway because she is so damned talented -- Christina Aguilera, 'beautiful'

2004-11-22T10:27:00.000-08:00

I am an Intellectual

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

2004-11-19T08:10:00.000-08:00

This comes directly from today's New York Post - the Gossip section's Ms. Cindy Adams ....

FROM a blue-state New Yorker who still feels blue: "We should've let the South go when they wanted to secede from the Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves? Those are the states we wanted to keep? Now we're the arrogant Northeast liberal elite and they're the real America?
"We founded this country. Who do they think those wig-wearing, lacy-shirt revolutionaries were who gave them the Second Amendment allowing them the right to keep their assault weapons in the glove compartment? Blue-staters from Boston, Philly, New York. That's why all the monuments are up here! We won't let them visit the Liberty Bell and Plymouth Rock anymore until they start respecting those other nine amendments. Those stripes on the flag? Nine are for blue states. It'd be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier.

"Northeasterners are arrogant? That's the cornerstone of what it means to be American. And we wouldn't be so arrogant if it wasn't our money paying for you! Those federal taxes you love to hate? Comes from us and goes to you for your bridges, your hurricanes, your Tennessee Valley stuff. Nine of the 10 states that get the most federal money and pay the least? Red states. Eight of the 10 that receive the least and pay the most? Blue. Which state has the lowest divorce rate? Massachusetts. Center of the gay marriage universe. And where's the highest? Ten of the top 10 are red states. But you-all go to church, right? At least that's what we hear about every election day. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? You-all."

And that's all there is to say about that

2004-09-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

And so I need to update at least a little bit. There's nothing to left say when you've spent all day saying it. Instead, I'll shamelessly lift things from my friend Chnacat:

(x) - you've done
(_) - you haven't done

(X) Been drunk
(X) Kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) Kissed a member of the same sex
(_) Crashed a friend's car
(_) Been to Japan
(X) Ridden in a taxi
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(X) Shoplifted
(X) Been fired
(X) Been in a fist fight
(X) Snuck out of parent's house
(X) Ever dated someone of the same sex
(X) Had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) Been arrested
(X) Made out with a stranger
(X) Stole something from my job
(X) Celebrated new years in time square
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Had a crush on a teacher
(_) Celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X) Been to Europe
(_) Been to Asia
(X) Skipped school
(_) Slept with a co-worker
(_) Cut myself on purpose
(_) Been married
(_) Gotten divorced
(_) Had children
(_) Seen someone die.
(_) Been to Africa
(X) Had a crush on one of my Live journal/xanga/diaryland friends
(X) Slapped someone I loved
(_) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball (the grateful dead)
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(X) Eaten sushi
(X) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
(_) Been moshing at a concert
(_) Had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(_) Been in an abusive relationship
(_) Been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) Lost a child
(X) Gone to college
(X) Graduated college
(_) Tried killing yourself
(_) Taken painkillers
(_) Intentionally burned yourself
(X) Love someone or miss someone right now

2004-07-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have a sweat suit that I wear, when I manage to get my lazy ass out of bed at 5:30, when I do my 30 minute walk in the morning.

It's a real sweat suit, as in, it's basically a plastic long sleeved "shirt" and long "pants" that I wear with another thingie underneath that looks like a foot wide belt which I velcro around my tummy like a girdle.

It maketh me sweat when I walk.

Yes, it makes an inordinate amount of noise when I walk because of the swooshing, and yes eventually the plastic sticks to my limbs and feels icky after about 15 minutes.

But the best part about the walk with my plastic sweatwear is the peel.

I get home, and I can't get this disgusting sweaty mess off of me fast enough, but oh how I love to get upstairs to my room, slowly pull the "shirt" off and leave it to dry inside out and then I peel each "pant leg" off and followed by the belt. I admit it, I also check out the belt and clothes for sweat amount.

The first hint of cool air that comes from my fans hits my sweaty arms, legs and belly is practically orgasmic. I know some people who get off on the running and exercising thing, endorphins and all that jazz. And I know a lot of people who feel that sense of relief afterwards only when they hit the shower. For me, it's the peel, not the shower.

The first 2 minutes of my shower are not fun at all. That's because I have a massive thickness to my hair and the water basically gets soaked up in that slowly before I can feel it on any other part of my body save the middle of my back.

Then the sweat and trickle of water I have from my hair mix together and since it's more sweat than water, I get that nasty taste of dirty salt water. Usually I try to stay under the water for at least a few minutes hoping the water will take over the sweat at some point. And the feeling of being clean does eventually overtake the ickiness of the initial sweat/water combo.

But the shower is not the best part, nope, it's the peel.

2004-07-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to the doctor to satisfy a few issues. The most important thing was to make sure my mother got off my back about getting a check-up of my innards to make sure I was not on the road to diabetes since my grandmother is currently suffering terribly from it.

Check.

Also, I have been feeling really crappy since about .... end of the semester. I just can't seem to get out of the lethargic funk. So I figured, a tap into my veins should be revealing enough for me that the answers to my problems will pour out ... so to speak.

I got results and a follow up consultation today. And know what?

For $20 in two co-pays, two visits, and two rounds of hanging out waiting and waiting I found out this.

I should exercise 30 min. a day, 5 times a week.

There's no diabetes, no issues with my thyroid, etc.

I had some other issues with the peepee test, and so they're sending my fresh peepee sample to a lab for microscopic analysis plus a new CBC done to make sure I understand that the veins in both of my arms, according to my Asian phlebotomist, "are beautiful, very beautiful veins."

It's something to aspire to I suppose, though in all honesty, it's quite a kick to know that there is something sooooo beautiful about me and that either you're born with it or not. You can't get surgically enhanced veins - implants, nips, tucks, etc. As George Michael once said,

"It's the one good thing that I've got." Though I think he's referring to FREEDOM, but then again good veins are somewhere near the freedom thing, aren't they??

So, I'm going to the gym today to finally set up some appointments so that the issues my doctor addressed from my last blood test can get properly addressed through 5 day a week fitness that will probably cost me extra in some personal trainer kind of way.

All I know is, I was psyched when I thought my HDL cholesterol levels were "low" in a good way and that meant I could go out and order a side of bacon without issues.

Turns out, the HDL lowness is bad and can be cured by more exercise.

When they do the before and after picture of me at the gym, I want them to take note of my beautiful veins.

Then everyone can have vein envy.

2004-07-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

The final grades came in around Saturday-ish and I must say that there are quirkier and worse things that could happen to a student besides this.

I received, for three entirely different classes than the previous semester, the exact same grades.

Here's what it looks like:

Fall semester
Evidence 77; PR 79; PR Skills ICN 75

Fast forward to Spring...

Corporations 77; UCC 79; Crim Pro 75

How do you reconcile such a strange thing? Perhaps it's not so strange, but I thought it was slightly more coincidental and odd than lots of other things that have happened to me while I was in school.

So basically, it was a 77 year.

The 3rd year of school was -- 77

That would be the exact number I need to have to stay in school, so ultimately the 3rd year had no real relevance to my overall GPA because my overall gpa is still a toasty 80.something.

Needless to say, there are parties happening everywhere because the last year of school is fast approaching and I am beyond thrilled with the prospect of the whole thing coming to a successful close.

My girlfriend and I are working out our issues now, which I say with all honesty is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Better to do the work now than to sweat out many years of annoyance and then have it come to a head later on when we're resentful and miserable.

Moving towards bliss is difficult when your eyes are wide open to the bright lights of relationship obstacles. I suppose we'd get there faster if we shut our eyes, but then we would probably either stray off the path and wind up somewhere other than bliss and not know it or we'd get there and not recognize anything because we were too busy shielding ourselves from the truths in our relationship.

too much metaphory/simile crap.

I am hoping to get in touch with a few of the folks I read on other online journals - My man up north in San Francisco is one such person as is my man down here in the South Land (a horrid way to describe this place btw) who works for the House of the Mouse.

I miss them both terribly.

And on an entirely unrelated note, I've done the arbitrary thing and found names for children should I ever go through with the adventure of actually getting pregnant.

If it's a boy, I will name him Xavier Julian and if it's a girl, I will name her René Claudia or René Lynette. I am also toying with Renata for a girl as well. Xavier comes out of nowhere, though I think I was watching a baseball game and the name of one of the players was Xavier so I said to my girlfriend - and we could not agree on one name together- "What do you think of Xavier?" and she actually liked it.

This is all well and good to be playing with names and such. In the end, we will see what kind of hand gets played out during these last days of school and the transition to the next phase of this experiment that I started.

As the days go by and the world is getting nuttier and nuttier, I'm wondering what it's in store for me, and ultimately a family of my own creation.

I'm hoping for the best all around - something a little bit better than a 77.

2004-07-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

That measure to prevent same-sex couples from getting married came out of Pandora's box and floated around long enough to poison the air but did not stay long enough to actually bring out a do-or-die fight. I, for one, am grateful. But I am also not as hopeful as so many other people that the doors have been flung wide open for what is supposedly the inevitable acceptance of gay and lesbian couples into that oh so holiest of unions - matrimony.

Cue Britney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor, Mick Jagger, and the ordinary neighbor next door who's daughter discovered the intricate details of being married to a "traditional" Italian American man once he locked her out of the house, took their son, and had his mother call her to threaten her life.

Save the Whales indeed.

My Fu-thingie, which is a futon hidden inside a chest of faux drawers, has been the cause of more misery than a day at the DMV.

My girlfriend and I got home last night after a rousing time spent at the best friend's house and discovered a note from FedX. It seems they lovingly left the note to show their gracious undertaking with a box that the owner was not smart enough to be home for - that would be me. Instead, the note informed me, the box was with the next door neighbor whom I've never actually seen though I've heard the occasional sliding door open and shut and once in a while, the odd-hour shower. One time, I did help two youngish folks get into the house next door when they were carrying a TV so perhaps this is good karma watching out for me.

This morning, the doorbell rings and instead of the two youngish people, I have before me Great Great Grandma who tells me very quickly, "I have package for you." And as she does not wait for me, I scurry to catch up and go next door with her before I realize no need to scurry. She must have wanted a head start on me and gathered herself up to get into the house.

It was then I realized, GGG wanted me to go all the way inside the house and get said package. Why? Because said package was frickin tall (5' tall to a 5'2 person is tall) and kind of bulky. Thank goodness it wasn't heavy and I managed to sort of trip over myself in a steady enough way to get the damn thing out of her house and over to mine.

And what's in the box? The mattress for my Fu-thingie.

Where's the rest of it, you may wonder? As in, where's the Fu-chesty thingie that you hide the damn mattress in?

Somewhere, I believe, in Irvine.

And with that, I think of how much energy is wasted on the civic duties of our leaders and representatives. I cannot even get my catalog ordered furniture to my house without massive headaches, and yet there are groups of folks out there who find my eating pussy repugnant enough that they feel the need to make me less than a complete citizen.

I just wanted a nice place for my 2nd bedroom so that my cats don't piss on anything valuable. Is that so wrong?

2004-06-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

And so South Korea has lost their own man in Iraq, through a vile and heinous murder by beheading. The deadline had passed, and was then purportedly extended as the demands from the hostage-takers supposedly changed from "pull out of Iraq!!" to something else.

That turned out to be either a flat out lie or a temporary moment of compassion on the part of the now-killers.

Perhaps what frightens me more than anything else right now is not that we're in a quagmire of any sort. No, what I'm concerned about is the justice system in this country where things like this can occur -- and we are soooo civilized....

Read below for the story:

Greg Haidl, 18, Kyle Nachreiner and Keith Spann, both 19, are charged with 24 felony counts, including gang rape and rape with a foreign object, during a July 5, 2002, party in the affluent seaside community of Corona Del Mar.

Haidl, who recorded the alleged assault on his camcorder, is the son of Don Haidl, a top-ranked sheriff's official. The elder Haidl was not home when the incidents took place and remains an unpaid assistant sheriff in Orange County, about 30 miles southwest of Los Angeles.

The 21-minute tape is the centerpiece of the prosecution's case, and it appeared to leave many jurors dismayed as they viewed it on three courtroom monitors.

Prosecutors contend that the girl was seduced, manipulated, and given drugs and alcohol before passing out and being assaulted numerous times as she lay motionless on a pool table.
In his opening argument Monday, prosecutor Dan Hess told jurors the teens can be seen on tape "taking turns" raping the girl with foreign objects.

Haidl, Nachreiner and Spann appeared in court dressed in short-sleeve shirts and ties. They sat next to each other as the tape was played.

Glancing at times at the jury and occasionally at the television monitors, the teens, who are being tried as adults, displayed little emotion but took notes as jurors remained fixed on the monitors.
Some of the teens can be heard making lewd comments on the tape, laughing at times and using profanity to describe various sex scenes.

In their opening arguments, defense attorneys presented jurors with a different characterization of the teenage girl, describing her as a promiscuous and aspiring porn star who was acting out her fantasies and agreed to be videotaped.

John Barnett, who represents Nachreiner, told jurors the girl was pretending to be more intoxicated than she appears on tape and that she has a history of lying about her promiscuity.

Now let me just expand on some details and then give you the absolute update on the case itself....

The same day of the alleged incident: Haidl and Nachreiner told Rogers (a friend) that they were with a girl the night before at Haidl’s dad’s house in Newport Beach, and that they got her drunk with Bombay gin, smoked a joint with her, and filmed her. They told Rogers they put her on a pool table and ‘got her with pool sticks,’ a Treetop bottle, and a Snapple bottle. Haidl stated that he had filmed the sex.”?

They filmed the sex? Lets just say that in the case of me and a girlfriend from two years ago, we took some provocative pics of ourselves and even included a strategically placed wine bottle - though trust me there was no penetration involved, it was really just a wine and pussy moment.

But I can safely say that neither of us was in any way incapable of making the decision to do the photo session. So what we had was a sexy photo session, end of that story.
But here? They filmed the sex?? I don't know about you, but I can say with almost certainty that they didn't have sex, they had an assault that was sexual in nature.

They filmed the assault, and let me tell you why it's a heinous crime....

They were laughing and joking and having a grand old time inserting these objects into her vagina and anus as she was unconscious on a pool table in a puddle of her own urine.
And if you're into doing crazy shit like that, more power to you for being flexible and adventurous....
but you surely you need to have the capacity to make that decision, shouldn't you?
And so the update from the trial is that defense experts, read paid assholes, had the nerve to say this, as reported in the OC WEEKLY:

Fisk (the fucking expert) reiterated his belief that Doe (victim) never fell into a stupor, in part, because Nachreiner spoke at her when he was trying to get fellatio at the outset of the film. Never mind that Doe didn’t answer. Fisk was adamant: Nachreiner’s one-way conversation "meant she’s in control" of her mind.
Corman’s (the other fucking expert) testimony was even more astonishing. He opined that there was no chance the defendants caused any internal trauma to Doe even though they needed to spit on her genitals to help plunge a pool cue, Snapple bottle and a Tree Top Apple juice can into her vagina and anus. He blamed the bleeding and lacerations found in Doe’s rectum three days after the gangbang on a Q-tip used by sexual assault nurses at a local hospital. Under friendly questioning by Haidl lawyer Joe Cavallo, Corman said, "In every instance the examples of trauma [to Doe] were caused by the examiner."
Sorry for having bold type in there, but it's just nonsensical when considering the logic of a supposed expert physician. Here's the best part:

Corman--who was paid an undisclosed fee by Greg Haidl’s father, wealthy Orange County Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl-- said that alcohol and drugs would have "in no way affected" Doe.

Now, here we are. We are a democratic society, so advanced in our notions of civility and decency. I don't plan on practicing firm law, nor do I think I'll ever end up in criminal law. For those moments where things are so beyond the intricate jello chemistry that is legal analysis, I am without an answer to those who ask how attorneys can put themselves in such a place - defending someone by way of throwing the onus back onto the victim.

It's one thing, I suppose, if you're defending someone where there is a genuine question of fact. But sometimes, there is simply no way around the thoughtful execution of actions that are depraved and morally indefensible.

They have the nerve to tell us that this young girl was in no way affected by the drugs, alcohol, etc., and that she was in total control of her actions, including the part where the boys had to hold her up to keep her steady and when they were not supporting her, she fell face first flat onto the couch. I mean, really!
That is about all I can stand for today because at the moment, I'm reviewing documents for people wishing to pretend that photocopied signatures work interchangably with blank Powers of Attorney.

And the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is offering amnesty for about a month to terrorists so that they can make themselves right with God again, and back on the right path .. but once that month is up,
"If they are wise and they accept it, then they are saved. And if they snub it, then God is not going to forbid us from hitting them with our force, which we get from our dependence on God."

I wonder if Haidl would like to feel some force of God.

2004-06-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I was just accepted into the Australia program.

2 units.

in one week.

And I get to take this marvelous seminar class in Brisbane, Australia.

I just found out, and I'm so excited, I don't know what to do with myself.

I hope I have the money.

I hope my boss lets me out of work for 2 weeks.

I really hope I haven't completely lost my mind.

2004-06-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

In the vein of bad writing skills....

And so the "garden" is coming along. I think. I ripped out weeds in a frenzy and though I wore gloves, the thorns from something resembling the dead end of rose bushes pricked incessantly. Recall that roses have thorns to protect themselves and their beauty from obscene heathens like myself who care more for calla lilies and impatiens.

Brandishing a power drill that I borrowed from the BestFriend, really what kind of power dyke am I without a power tool? At least, not the kind that isn't a sexually stimulating device. I had already managed to put in 7 holes in my wall for a curtain rod before admitting that I needed a power drill to put in 4 new holes in the proper spot.

That means a total of 11 holes.

And the curtain doesn't exactly fit right, meaning I may have to purchase more panels. What I really need are the Queer Eye guys ... they can come in and put my paintings up for me, redesign and redecorate the house with proper furniture, properly placed, and then I can worry about things that really matter.

Like my E-Z Bake Oven.

2004-04-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

The top 100 movie characters were listed in my PREMIER magazine. Some of them were more priceless than others because they even made the list at all... then again, it is PREMIER and I'm not surprised to learn that Sandy from GREASE made the cut.

But the number one character was....

Vito Corleone - from THE GODFATHER

And, I happen to agree, though it would've been nice to see Inigo Montoya - THE PRINCESS BRIDE

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

Honestly, does it get any better than that??

2004-04-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

So, my mother called me yesterday. I did not know it was her, even though the caller ID on my phone said, "Parentals."

The reasons I didn't know it was her were: 1) It was too late in the evening where she lives. 2) Sometimes my goofball clueless brother calls me because he forgets I am in class at the time he calls.

But I had 10 minutes to kill before class started so I decided to check my voicemail to see what the little brub wanted. Most likely, he'd be reiterating his usual "Hi Deche, it's lil bro, just wanted to say hi and see what you were doing. I'm still working at the Hole-in-the-Wall airport, blahblahblah."

Instead, it was my mother's voice, frail and so unassuming. I almost dropped out of my chair right then and there. When she starts off with, "Hi, it's mum. I just called to tell you...." and then I always figure it's going to be the death of someone close to me.

It could also have to do with the fact that my family's life back in that neck of the woods is spiraling through something resembling the events surrounding two large buildings in Manhattan crashing down. It took a big hit, and though it seemed really sturdy and could possibly withstand the damage inflicted, nevertheless came down in one giant crash that was as devastating to watch as the actual destruction itself. Granted, my family's collapse is taking time like in ice-age fashion .... a slow degeneration.

But it's happening.

I called my mother back, walked out of the building into the parking lot and listened to her tell me more of the same story.

I can see the flames, spreading out, and thick black smoke billowing and growing into increasingly larger cloudy shapes.

I hope the timing works itself out, chips fall into place, and room is made available so that when the evacuation plans are executed, the whole thing can come down like a well-planned demolition of something that needed to be destroyed so that new things could be built in it's place.

Like a fucking life.

2004-04-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

I wrote a fan e-mail to one of my favorite people in the world - Margaret Cho. I felt like the biggest idiot, goober, dork, etc., etc.

But it came from the heart, though I found myself checking out the wording of it and thinking, "are you praying at the altar of Cho and using the most formal speech ever?"

I wanted desperately to sound more like myself, fun loving and caustic, somewhat witty, you know? But I didn't. At least, I don't think I did.

So I sent it.

I'm sure she'll never see it, or if she does, it'll be among the backlog of email she gets from friends and foe alike who send to the general Margaret email address.

Still, I'm a pretty devoted disciple, so I'll continue to wait with baited breath while she updates her own blog.

Though it would be really cool if somehow, in the future perhaps, we actually looked back on this day together as friends and laugh and she'll say, "Remember when you were that dorky fan and you wrote to me all worshipping and shit?" And I'll laugh and say, "Yeah, I was just a dorky stranger to you." And then she'll say, "Now you're just my dorky friend." And then we'd laugh more because we work together now and I'm the happiest token lesbian on tour with her.

Or, if I met Ellen DeGeneres..... now that would be cool too. I'd be way excited if I could work for her. But then she'd be the queen lesbian and I'd merely a princess or perhaps lesbian in waiting.

Clearly I need to stop coffee in the afternoon.

2004-04-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

I keep reading Margaret Cho, like an addiction to the word, the vibe, the energy that she brings. Sometimes it pumps me up because it touches a creative nerve in me and makes me want to rush to my pen and paper, my keyboard, or something or other so that I can make my own voice heard. Sometimes it also makes me annoyed with the state of affairs in our world.
One of the other online journals I read had an excellent phrase for describing the current climate with respect to our fearless leader, La Diva Bush. She said, "I feel emotionally battered."
I feel emotionally tormented, a sort of scourge plus other corp./capital punishment a la Mel's "The Passion..."
Except in this case, it's Bush and Co, plus the rest of the screaming mobs of people who are inflicting the hurting on me. I actually find myself wincing in pain sometimes at the things I hear and read.

I feel

like I'm carrying the cross of something indescribable but that I hope in the end it was worth it, that people from the future will look back on this time and shake their heads in wonder at how cruel and unloving a great many people were to me and my "kind."
Of course, a smaller part of me is also thinking that we haven't come quite that far with other so-called progressive themes.

Ask the family of Mr. Byrd in Texas.

2004-03-30T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm dying to start my own business. I cannot honestly see myself working for da man every day of my life for 30 some years just so I can say that my loyalty to some company, corp, or partnership made a few silly old white farts rich. I'm also worried that because of my current situation, wherein I am not sure where I want to be, what I should be doing, and all that jazz, the ideas I have drift farther and farther into never never land.
Deche is a family nickname, and I've always loved it. If I have a daughter, I'd love to give her that name as her middle name, and simply call her Deche. I spell it phonetically here but that's because it's too much hassle explaining the origins, etc.
If I get myself a business, of some sort where creativity is involved - either writing, producing, hell.... if it's a fucking restaurant where all we do is cook the usual native South American fare.... I want to call it Deche's.
I'd love to hear the sound of it roll incorrectly off people's tongues.

2004-03-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

I found the most fantastic story yesterday via Margaret Cho's blog. I read her pretty religiously and it occurs to me that through her works, either online or through some other medium, I am simultaneously enlightened and empowered. And yet this also means that with eyes open to both knowledge and power, I am aware and in touch with my own pain and heartache. When I have the aches from bellylaughs, so too can I expect deep melancholy and despair.
That's why the story that I read about gay marriages in the UK was such a fantastic mix of both joy and sorrow. I don't have the link just yet, but I felt obligated to mention something. If you went to Margaret's page, you can see not only her regular marvelousness, but links to places that can do these things - bring you joy and sorrow. http://www.margaretcho.com/blog

2004-03-29T16:26:00.000-08:00

Still testing this thing out because I was terribly confused about my first post. It didn't exactly come out like I wanted - rather it was posted about 7 times in a row... and now has disappeared entirely. But here I am again, just testing along.
Test
test
test

2004-03-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

Where were you??

When Mt. St. Helens blew (05/18/1980)
I was 8 years old, only a year into living in New Jersey and I think I heard about it from my parents watching on television.

When the space shuttle Challenger exploded (01/28/1986)
I had called my mom to come pick me up from school because I was sick. When she came in she was crying and told me what happened.

When the 7.1 earthquake hit San Francisco (10/07/1989)
I was in high school and contemplating never ever visiting California ... how ironic now that I live here.

When the Berlin Wall fell (11/07/1989)
Totally mesmerized in front of the TV watching people taking hammers to the wall.

When the Gulf War began (01/16/1991)
Freshman year in college and scared because my mom was in the reserves and I was afraid she'd get the call to go. Then I heard later on that she had in fact received the call to get ready but my parents kept it hidden from me because they didn't want me to worry during finals.

When OJ Simpson was chased in his White Bronco (06/17/1994)
At my cousin's apartment in Manhattan trying to watch the playoffs - the Knicks were on!!

When the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed (19/4/1995) Working at a publishing house for the puzzle magazine group and someone passed the word around, I didn't believe it at first.

When Princess Di was killed (01/31/1997)
Getting into the rental car in Key West, FL with my then-girlfriend. I turned on the radio in the car and caught the last part of Pres. Clinton saying, "I'll remember Princess Diana as a humanitarian" and I looked at my girlfriend and said, "Why would he be saying that?" And then they repeated the news flash. It was a sadder day knowing that the same day was our 1 year anniversary.

When the shooting at Columbine occured (04/25/1999)
Working in midtown, but I didn't hear about it until the news later that night.

When Bush was first announced President (11/07/2000)
I don't remember exactly but I wasn't nearly as frightened then as I am about the prospect of hearing him get re-elected.

When terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center (09/11/2001)
My brother called me at 6something in the morning (it was Pacific time for me when it happened), he told me a plane hit the WTC. I thought, "damn, how stupid can the little plane be, how can you miss seeing a giant target like that?" Then he told me it was hijacked, and I was so shocked, me and my also-from-New York roommate turned on our TV's and there it was .. two smoking buildings. And then I watched them fall.

When Columbia disintegrated during re-entry over Texas. (02/01/2003)
It was an interruption in the news, and I thought it was a mistake.